I sometimes surprise my wife with the love I show to her. She often asks me how I can love her even when she is being grumpy. My answer is always that I love her with the love of Christ. That I try to love her the way Christ loves me... unconditionally. Early in our marriage, she found it even harder because she had no concept of that kind of love. In her family, love was shown in what you could do for one another. You showed love by going and doing the dishes, or helping with family chores. Where that can be showing love, more than often, its just getting the chores done.
In contrast, my family was very close, and my parents showed love to us for who we were, not for what we could do for them. I had a Godly man leading my family by being a man, and a Godly woman supporting him. It was through my father that I learned to love. Through his example of how he loved my mother, I learned the concept of showing a woman unconditional love.
Likewise, I saw how my mother respected my father, and turned to him even when she wasn't quite sure he knew how to deal with a situation. She trusted him to God, and trusted God with him. It was their relationship that ultimately taught me how to love my wife.
Love
There are also biblical principals that teach us how to have a relationship with one another as man and wife. In Ephesians chapter 5, Paul has the following to say:
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Take particular note of the last verse. That states the whole passage in a nutshell. The man is to love his wife as himself (and by extension, as Christ), and the woman is to reverence (or respect) her husband. So the call to a man, and the example set to my by my own earthly father, is to love his wife. But not just to love her, to agape her. The English language does not have a word strong enough to convey the essence of agape. We can say the phrase “unconditional love”, but even that does not convey the whole essence of agape. It is a one way love. It is without condition, without judgment, without holding the faults of the other against them. A man cannot fully give agape to his wife, because he, unlike God, is capable of sin. He is capable of falling into the traps of his flesh. But he can some very close by showing her us unconditional a love as he is humanly possible, even unto dying for her.
Respect
Now, as for women, Paul gives instructions to them as well. The woman's charge is to respect her husband. Men work in the world of respect. There is no example better than in an environment where there are only men.
I am a Correctional Officer by trade (as some of you may already know), and I work in an environment where respect is everything. The quickest way to a fight in a prison environment (specifically a male prison environment, a female prison environment is different) is to show disrespect to someone. Men are martial by nature, and develop pecking orders. If you don't respect the pecking order, you are liable to get beaten down until you respect it, or disrespect it enough to get yourself killed. Of course, there is the other side of the coin, where you move up by challenging those above you and gaining the respect (and fear) of the other men.
So many times, I see female officers come into the environment and cause waves because she does not properly know how to show respect to the men. It creates an environment of confusion in that the established order is upset (naturally, as the woman is now the person in authority). If this situation creates confusion in an environment of only men, then just think what it creates in the environment of the home when the woman does not show respect to her husband (or her sons). This respect is very important for more than one reason. It upholds the man in his position as the leader of the household. If the woman is the leader, it shows weakness on the part of the man, and that weakness passes on to any male children that are in that home. They are not properly taught the relationship between a man and a women as it should properly be.
So, for the woman to gain the love that she so longs for, she has to show her husband respect, even when she feels he has not earned it. Even when she feels he is being juvenile. If the woman shows the respect that the man needs, he will feel secure in his environment. When the man feels secure, he is properly able to show the love he has for his wife. Instead of competing with her for control of the household, he is loving her in a way that speaks directly to her heart. Likewise, it will show the children of the household (both male and female) the proper means of relationship between a man and a woman.
What it is not
Now, I have shown how the relationship should be established on the concept of the woman repsecting the man and the man loving the woman. Let me now speak on the abuses that occur. Many times, the man thinks because he has the leadership position, that he can lord it over his wife and children. He becomes a tyrant in his own home and creates an environment of fear and loathing. In this environment, it is really tough for a woman to respect a man, and it teaches the wrong values to the offspring. It teaches a destructive form of control that leads to much heartache. We have to be wise in our establishment of the relationship we have married couples. Because each member of the marriage has specific things they are called to do.
The man is called to support, provide, and secure the home. If there is a bump in the night, it is the responsibility of the man to go investigate it. If there is discipline that needs to be meted out, it should be at the hands of the man. Why? Because of the calling of the woman.
The woman is called to be the emotional support mechanism of the family. She is the nurse, and the councilor of the family. Because of this role, it should not be the woman who does the discipline (unless there is no man in the picture to take care of it). In a proper family relationship, it should be the place of the woman to teach and train up the children (with the occasional help of the man). The woman is emotionally and physically set up for this task, and does it very well.
The man, on the other hand, is very brash. Men show their emotions in different ways than women do, and because of this, they cannot take the place of the woman. They are not set up to be an emotional support mechanism. They are not wired that way. Instead, they are wired in such a way that if there is a problem, its time to solve it. Many times, women know the solution to problems, but just want to have their feelings validated. Men, instead of doing the validating, will step in and solve the problem the woman already knows the answer to, thereby frustrating her. In that one moment of frustration, she strikes out, and with that striking out, shows the man disrespect. Naturally, the man is going to respond the only way he knows how. He's either going to throw his hands up in the air and argue at her, or he is going to shut down and walk away. Either way, the woman is not going to get her feelings validated.
If we can learn to avoid the things which create the strife between men and women, then we can work towards building our relationships in the way in which God would have us build them. Men can have the respect that they need to feel secure in their relationship with their wife, and women can have the love that they need to make them feel secure in their relationship with their husband. If the negative cycle is broken and replaced with a positive cycle, then hurting families will begin to see a change in their relationships. They will even be able to save a dying relationship. May God bless all our relationships.
Amen